The last two months of my life have been chalked full of anxiety. It was brought to my attention last night that I haven't updated the blog recently, so this morning I will hurry to do that before heading out of my house for a work meeting.
I sit here pretty baffled actually, wondering what to say and how to word what is in my heart. I'm not sure I will do it any justice without giving a lot of minor details, but I will do my best. A little over a month ago I began to force myself to move on. If I could give anyone any piece of advice it would be to not do that. I tried to rush so many emotions and so many feelings. It worked for a couple of weeks. And who knows, maybe I actually needed how I felt those couple of weeks in order to survive. However, once everything came crashing down a couple of weeks ago, my life became this big ball of anxiety. I was torn between my head and my heart. I tried to force what my head was telling me even harder. Don't do this. Please. Its awful. It gets you no where.
You've got to listen to your heart.
The heart does not choose who it loves. It knows what is right and it knows who is right. Like I have previously said, love is easy. It's life that is hard. My heart has known who it loves for quite some time. I made life hard there for awhile by trying to let my brain take over. Don't get me wrong, you have to be smart in life, but the heart knows more than the brain. Let me reiterate: you can not make your heart feel differently than it does.
Being a blue, I am always very sensitive to emotion and feelings. When I love, I love hard. I have seen what it is like to be in a relationship without deep love and I can't do that again. It has to be there. My heart knows who it loves and I have to follow that. When we die, that's all that is really going with us anyway, so we need to listen to it. Follow it, even if it defies logic and is crazy.
And you know what? Sometimes you will be surprised. Sometimes the thing you think will never happen does.
Today is that day.
Tuesday, December 23, 2014
Sunday, November 16, 2014
About the 3 of Us
So, after doing that post yesterday, I thought I'd share with you guys what the love profiles of my children and I are. Yep, you can even analyze your children and their colors and love languages.
Charity - I'm a blue. I'm nearly 100% blue. This is going to mean I am sappy, loyal, emotional, and dedicated. I am a lover and a romantic. My love language is Words of Affirmation, and I have some Physical Touch and Quality Time thrown in the mix as well.
Ryan - Ryan is a mixture of blue and white. He is very sensitive but also fairly easy going and doesn't like to cause trouble. He just wants so badly to be good. Ryan's love language is a mixture of Physical Touch and Words of Affirmation. He has always had a thing with touching fuzzy things and being affectionate, but he also likes to be told just how well he does something.
Caylee - Caylee is a red with a little blue in there. She likes to be in charge and to be right. She is passionate and has told me before "I AM the boss!" She frequently picks on her older brother and likes to think she's in charge of him. Her love language is probably Physical Touch... I haven't nailed this down for her yet... I think she's still developing a little of how she is. Actually, she may be Quality Time. I guess we'll see as she gets older.
That's us in a nutshell. :)
Charity - I'm a blue. I'm nearly 100% blue. This is going to mean I am sappy, loyal, emotional, and dedicated. I am a lover and a romantic. My love language is Words of Affirmation, and I have some Physical Touch and Quality Time thrown in the mix as well.
Ryan - Ryan is a mixture of blue and white. He is very sensitive but also fairly easy going and doesn't like to cause trouble. He just wants so badly to be good. Ryan's love language is a mixture of Physical Touch and Words of Affirmation. He has always had a thing with touching fuzzy things and being affectionate, but he also likes to be told just how well he does something.
Caylee - Caylee is a red with a little blue in there. She likes to be in charge and to be right. She is passionate and has told me before "I AM the boss!" She frequently picks on her older brother and likes to think she's in charge of him. Her love language is probably Physical Touch... I haven't nailed this down for her yet... I think she's still developing a little of how she is. Actually, she may be Quality Time. I guess we'll see as she gets older.
That's us in a nutshell. :)
Saturday, November 15, 2014
Love
I have spent a lot of time over the last couple of years experimenting with, reading and researching about, and talking with others about love. I'm not talking about love for your fellow men, I'm talking about pure, true, perfect, romantic love. I have heard so many people say that love is hard, and it dies, and it's supposed to be that way. I disagree. I used to think that love was a fictitious thing because I had never experienced it fully, but you know what, love is easy and it's real.
Here are the results of my findings. I'm going to start in an order that I have found to be most successful in having storybook love:
1. Everyone has a personality type. If you research the ColorCode, you will see that there are four categories, or colors, of people. You have your Reds (with the motive of power), Blues (with the motive of intimacy), Whites (with the motive of peace), and Yellows (with the motive of fun). I could go on and on about these colors and if you've talked to me for a very long period of time you will hear me talk about this all the time. It is the number one key to building a relationship. You have to understand what drives the person you are with, because having that understanding will help you be able to provide them with security. You can read more about the colors and take a test here to figure out what your color is: https://www.colorcode.com/ I can usually guess someone's color now within just a couple minutes of talking to them, I don't even need to have someone take a test anymore. As a result of having this background I have seen a major increase in my ability to love another person.
2. Once you have figured out the color of you and your mate and you are aware of the things they need, you can advance to this step. Have you ever heard of the 5 Love Languages? Awesome, awesome! This is the real key. Everyone has at least one love language, which is the way they feel loved. You can take a test here to see what yours is: http://www.5lovelanguages.com/profile/ I have also gotten to the point where I can usually guess someone's love language pretty quickly as well. The more you study the love languages to where you can figure out another's love language the better because it's pretty unlikely you'll be able to convince anyone you may date to take this test. Here is the break down of the love languages. You have Words of Affirmation (this is saying nice things, complimenting, basically making someone feel appreciated through your words), Acts of Service (helping cook dinner, cleaning, any sort of service oriented activity), Receiving Gifts (pretty self explanatory), Quality Time (it's not just quantity, but quality), and Physical Touch (holding hands, snuggling, kissing, etc.). Everyone has at least one, sometimes a couple. One easy way to figure out what someone's is is to watch how they go about loving others the best. Usually I have found that people best express love in the way they want it. I also have found that at times I have felt like others were not showing love or care, but once I was able to figure out what their love language was I could see very easily that they were showing love in their way and I was able to feel more secure in my relationship with them because I could see and acknowledge that they did care.
Some people find step 2 difficult because they say, for example, "I'm not good at giving Words of Affirmation..." To those people, I say, "SO WHAT?!" Make yourself be good at it. Love is a choice. Love isn't afraid to look or sound silly, it just does what is necessary. Love puts someone else first and above anything else. Actually, if you want to know the biggest piece of advice I can give you about the love languages is, DO THEM ALL! All the time. It doesn't have to be anything big. When I say Words of Affirmation, put a simple note in a coat pocket for them to find the next day saying how cute they are. For Acts of Service, polish their shoes while they are in the shower. For Receiving Gifts, pick up a candy bar. For Quality Time, for heaven's sake, put 15 minutes of research into enriching couples activities online and I guarantee you can come up with something. For Physical Touch, don't sit on opposite couches, sit next to them and put your hand on their leg. Easy. This is easy stuff!
3. Once you have figured out what gives your special person security, and what exactly makes them feel loved, become a master of those things. Give it your priority to always give them love in that way. And you know what? I promise you that the love you give will be returned to you in crazy amounts. The more you love the more love you receive. I highly recommend everyone read this blog post: http://sethadamsmith.com/2013/11/02/marriage-isnt-for-you/ Our world today makes everything about us, "Is this person going to make me happy?" Well, I can tell you that they will make you happy if you make it a priority to make them happy first. Basically, you choose your own happiness by how much you try to make him or her happy. Period.
I have found that people ask too much and think too much when it comes to relationships. They play games and they cause unnecessary hurt. Love isn't a game, its continual expressions of love and understanding towards another person. It isn't something that should be chased after. Immature love is about the chase. If you want true love, stop chasing and stop running. Just love and be willing to give.
It's easy people. Love is easy. Life may be difficult and have its unavoidable challenges... but LOVE is easy.
Here are the results of my findings. I'm going to start in an order that I have found to be most successful in having storybook love:
1. Everyone has a personality type. If you research the ColorCode, you will see that there are four categories, or colors, of people. You have your Reds (with the motive of power), Blues (with the motive of intimacy), Whites (with the motive of peace), and Yellows (with the motive of fun). I could go on and on about these colors and if you've talked to me for a very long period of time you will hear me talk about this all the time. It is the number one key to building a relationship. You have to understand what drives the person you are with, because having that understanding will help you be able to provide them with security. You can read more about the colors and take a test here to figure out what your color is: https://www.colorcode.com/ I can usually guess someone's color now within just a couple minutes of talking to them, I don't even need to have someone take a test anymore. As a result of having this background I have seen a major increase in my ability to love another person.
2. Once you have figured out the color of you and your mate and you are aware of the things they need, you can advance to this step. Have you ever heard of the 5 Love Languages? Awesome, awesome! This is the real key. Everyone has at least one love language, which is the way they feel loved. You can take a test here to see what yours is: http://www.5lovelanguages.com/profile/ I have also gotten to the point where I can usually guess someone's love language pretty quickly as well. The more you study the love languages to where you can figure out another's love language the better because it's pretty unlikely you'll be able to convince anyone you may date to take this test. Here is the break down of the love languages. You have Words of Affirmation (this is saying nice things, complimenting, basically making someone feel appreciated through your words), Acts of Service (helping cook dinner, cleaning, any sort of service oriented activity), Receiving Gifts (pretty self explanatory), Quality Time (it's not just quantity, but quality), and Physical Touch (holding hands, snuggling, kissing, etc.). Everyone has at least one, sometimes a couple. One easy way to figure out what someone's is is to watch how they go about loving others the best. Usually I have found that people best express love in the way they want it. I also have found that at times I have felt like others were not showing love or care, but once I was able to figure out what their love language was I could see very easily that they were showing love in their way and I was able to feel more secure in my relationship with them because I could see and acknowledge that they did care.
Some people find step 2 difficult because they say, for example, "I'm not good at giving Words of Affirmation..." To those people, I say, "SO WHAT?!" Make yourself be good at it. Love is a choice. Love isn't afraid to look or sound silly, it just does what is necessary. Love puts someone else first and above anything else. Actually, if you want to know the biggest piece of advice I can give you about the love languages is, DO THEM ALL! All the time. It doesn't have to be anything big. When I say Words of Affirmation, put a simple note in a coat pocket for them to find the next day saying how cute they are. For Acts of Service, polish their shoes while they are in the shower. For Receiving Gifts, pick up a candy bar. For Quality Time, for heaven's sake, put 15 minutes of research into enriching couples activities online and I guarantee you can come up with something. For Physical Touch, don't sit on opposite couches, sit next to them and put your hand on their leg. Easy. This is easy stuff!
3. Once you have figured out what gives your special person security, and what exactly makes them feel loved, become a master of those things. Give it your priority to always give them love in that way. And you know what? I promise you that the love you give will be returned to you in crazy amounts. The more you love the more love you receive. I highly recommend everyone read this blog post: http://sethadamsmith.com/2013/11/02/marriage-isnt-for-you/ Our world today makes everything about us, "Is this person going to make me happy?" Well, I can tell you that they will make you happy if you make it a priority to make them happy first. Basically, you choose your own happiness by how much you try to make him or her happy. Period.
I have found that people ask too much and think too much when it comes to relationships. They play games and they cause unnecessary hurt. Love isn't a game, its continual expressions of love and understanding towards another person. It isn't something that should be chased after. Immature love is about the chase. If you want true love, stop chasing and stop running. Just love and be willing to give.
It's easy people. Love is easy. Life may be difficult and have its unavoidable challenges... but LOVE is easy.
An Outlet
I have decided to make a new blog. I used to be huge into blogging, back when I had a lot more free time than I do now, but as of recent my blog posts (on my private blog) have been few and far between. Those posts have been filled with so much boy drama that many would probably roll their eyes if they were to read them.
The fact is, single parenting is hard. I wouldn't wish single parenting on anyone. I know this is a life that I ultimately chose when I made my exit from married life, but I didn't have much of a choice. Kids deserve to be raised in a home with a strong and honest father. Single parenting is down right difficult. It turns out, in real life, dads don't pay child support and are able to get away with felony amounts of back owed child support with no ramifications. They can choose to be unemployed and live freely without any responsibility. It's so hard. I am these kids' only support - financially, mentally, emotionally, spiritually. Day in and day out.
I love my kids more than anything and I give 100 percent to them so they can have a glimpse of normal life. I don't want them to ever feel like they missed out because their parents weren't married to each other. I work in a career that requires me to constantly give affirmation to about 50 people on a very regular basis. And my work demands include on call time every other week, so sometimes it's a 24 hour type of thing. On lighter weeks, I end a work day and come home and give continual affirmation to my two little ones. I clean, I cook, I bathe, I diffuse disagreements, I read books to little ones, I sing them songs, I tuck them in, and then I spend a couple hours alone before going to bed. That is my day. Continually pouring love and time into others is wonderful and it is fulfilling in it's own way, but it is draining. I need my bucket to be filled too.
This week, my life came crashing down. So many hopes and dreams have now vanished and I am left to reevaluate my life. How did it get this way? How am I ever going to get out of what feels like a downward spiral where I live day to day hoping to just survive? I am so grateful that I was able to graduate and get a career that can provide for the two kids and me, but it isn't easy. My job pays my bills and puts food on the table and in their tummies, but that is about it. Book fairs are expensive. Dance class is expensive. Healthy food is expensive. Christmas is expensive. Attorney's fees... well, I could give a whole lecture on that one. Let's just say that I have a pre-trial set up for Monday and I don't even know if I am supposed to be at it or not because I have to pay my attorney $200 an hour, so calling him to ask will cost me probably like $15 at least.
I am so ready for love and for the good life. I have so much love and service and care to offer and all I want is to have someone be here for us too. I need emotional support. I need someone's presence. I want my kids to have a complete family and to have a strong male role model in their life that will teach Ryan how to be a man, father, and responsible citizen, and who will teach Caylee not to settle for mistreatment and neglect, but to look for someone who will adore and honor and serve her. I need my kids to see their mom being truly loved.
So, for today, I will just go about the motions. There's not much else I can do right now. Maybe as this blog evolves I can have happier things to say and maybe, just maybe, some of my dreams for the kids and for me will come true.
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