I have decided to make a new blog. I used to be huge into blogging, back when I had a lot more free time than I do now, but as of recent my blog posts (on my private blog) have been few and far between. Those posts have been filled with so much boy drama that many would probably roll their eyes if they were to read them.
The fact is, single parenting is hard. I wouldn't wish single parenting on anyone. I know this is a life that I ultimately chose when I made my exit from married life, but I didn't have much of a choice. Kids deserve to be raised in a home with a strong and honest father. Single parenting is down right difficult. It turns out, in real life, dads don't pay child support and are able to get away with felony amounts of back owed child support with no ramifications. They can choose to be unemployed and live freely without any responsibility. It's so hard. I am these kids' only support - financially, mentally, emotionally, spiritually. Day in and day out.
I love my kids more than anything and I give 100 percent to them so they can have a glimpse of normal life. I don't want them to ever feel like they missed out because their parents weren't married to each other. I work in a career that requires me to constantly give affirmation to about 50 people on a very regular basis. And my work demands include on call time every other week, so sometimes it's a 24 hour type of thing. On lighter weeks, I end a work day and come home and give continual affirmation to my two little ones. I clean, I cook, I bathe, I diffuse disagreements, I read books to little ones, I sing them songs, I tuck them in, and then I spend a couple hours alone before going to bed. That is my day. Continually pouring love and time into others is wonderful and it is fulfilling in it's own way, but it is draining. I need my bucket to be filled too.
This week, my life came crashing down. So many hopes and dreams have now vanished and I am left to reevaluate my life. How did it get this way? How am I ever going to get out of what feels like a downward spiral where I live day to day hoping to just survive? I am so grateful that I was able to graduate and get a career that can provide for the two kids and me, but it isn't easy. My job pays my bills and puts food on the table and in their tummies, but that is about it. Book fairs are expensive. Dance class is expensive. Healthy food is expensive. Christmas is expensive. Attorney's fees... well, I could give a whole lecture on that one. Let's just say that I have a pre-trial set up for Monday and I don't even know if I am supposed to be at it or not because I have to pay my attorney $200 an hour, so calling him to ask will cost me probably like $15 at least.
I am so ready for love and for the good life. I have so much love and service and care to offer and all I want is to have someone be here for us too. I need emotional support. I need someone's presence. I want my kids to have a complete family and to have a strong male role model in their life that will teach Ryan how to be a man, father, and responsible citizen, and who will teach Caylee not to settle for mistreatment and neglect, but to look for someone who will adore and honor and serve her. I need my kids to see their mom being truly loved.
So, for today, I will just go about the motions. There's not much else I can do right now. Maybe as this blog evolves I can have happier things to say and maybe, just maybe, some of my dreams for the kids and for me will come true.
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